Alopecia Areata & Dating

Given that it is Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be timely to discuss one of the areas that I struggled with most with my Alopecia Areata - dating.

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I think anyone who has dated as a thirty-something year old female (especially in London) will be able to vouch for the fact that it can be baseline difficult. There has been a paradigm shift in dating from organic meetups in bars or clubs to online swipe culture with the advent of dating apps. This already makes the dating process feel a lot fickler. I think there can be a real “grass is always greener” kind of mentality with dating apps and the whole process has become too disposable. When I added my hair loss into this new dynamic the whole experience became a source of huge amounts of stress for me.

Firstly, I never knew which photographs I should be putting on my dating profile. My Alopecia Areata journey has been hugely fluctuant. I have had periods where my hair has completely fallen out, periods where I’ve worn a wig, and periods where I’ve had full re-growth. There was also a period where I lost my lashes and brows, and use of different eyebrow transfers or false eyelashes, or a day where I’ve tried a different eyebrow shape or stuck my brows on in some weird position, could make my face itself look hugely different. This meant that in a lot of my recent photos I understandably looked completely different. I would worry a lot that some of the photos I chose might not be deemed representative of what I actually looked like.

 Then there was the date itself. I guess if I think about the things I might have worried about if I didn’t have Alopecia, I might have listed awkward silences, getting stood up, boring conversation, wanting to leave, or splitting the bill. However, with my Alopecia Areata I worried about a whole other host of additional things. This largely included appearance-related worries such as whether they would recognise that I was wearing a wig, false lashes, and brow transfers, and whether they might think that I had grossly misrepresented what I actually looked like and “cat-fished” them. It also included more irrational fears such as the wig, brows or lashes somehow coming off. I think this related to any sort of physical contact, for example, if they had decided to go in for a hug or kiss. I had nightmares about someone putting their hands at the back of my head and either feeling the fact that I had a wig on or pulling my wig off.

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The next thing I really struggled with was deciding when I should volunteer information about my Alopecia Areata. I think this was probably the second most difficult part for me. I tried and tested all of the approaches and, even to this day, I have no idea what the best way to approach things is. I tried telling dates immediately via text before we met up. I tried telling them on various numbers of dates in. I also tried to tell them in stealth mode by adding them on socials and hoping that they figured it out for themselves. I think I struggled with this aspect of dating because it felt like I was being forced to divulge something hugely personal far too quickly. Equally, if I kept going on dates with someone without saying, I would start to feel guilty that I was hoodwinking them into dating me and it made me feel like a fraud.

The thing I struggled with the most and which I think had the most profound effect on me was handling rejection during dating. I found it very difficult to not assume that the rejection was due to my Alopecia Areata and I think this became quite a vicious self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety and low self-worth. There were definitely occasions when people outright told me they didn’t want to date me because of my Alopecia Areata and I, understandably, did not take this very well at all. There were other times where people were more polite. It was pretty obvious that they didn’t want to date me because of the Alopecia but delivered the message in a kinder manner. In retrospect, I’m not really sure which was more helpful. I guess, ultimately, what I should have been telling myself was that if someone was that superficial, their values were never going to align with mine and they had done me a huge favour. I think the thing I found difficult was the social anxiety of having to manage a negative response and feeling like I was putting someone on the spot to say “of course, it’s fine!”

When I met my current partner, we had naturally dated very slowly for various reasons. We had our second date at Glastonbury, and I had worn a completely different (very red) wig, compared to a more auburn version that I had worn on our first date and so I assumed that he would notice and either make a comment or ask questions. This did not happen. Prior to our third date, I ended up sending what I now regard as an extremely cringe essay via WhatsApp because I didn’t have the confidence to tell him to his face. I also gave him an obviously fake “nonchalant” get-out clause. When I recently read back our exchange of text messages at this time, I felt quite sad and sorry for myself that I didn’t feel I had the confidence, based on prior experience, to be able to have this conversation in person.   

 To my surprise, the initial response was very indifferent, and I remember clearly thinking that I wasn’t sure if he’d quite understood what I had said. It transpired that when we broached the topic in person, he hadn’t fully understood what I had said and was astounded at how quickly all of my hair had “grown back”. We still laugh now at me awkwardly telling him that the hair he was now referring to wasn’t actually my real hair, but in fact a wig. He was even more flummoxed when I pointed out that I had no eyebrows or eyelashes.

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For anyone that is worrying about these things, I think my take home message from this was that men are not particularly observant and probably won’t know you are even wearing a wig unless you hit them in the face with it! In contrast to other people I dated, my current partner has never viewed my Alopecia Areata as a flaw. He has been very clear about how much he admires me and how proud he is of me. He has relentlessly supported me and been my biggest cheerleader.

I believe Alopecia Areata provides us with unique experiences that can help to shape us into really great romantic partners (strength, resilience, self-compassion, and self-love). I would urge anyone who is dating with Alopecia Areata and struggling with any of the things that I have described not to give up because there are wonderful people out there who will genuinely not care. I do realise that retrospect is a wonderful thing. However, if I were to go back and give myself one piece of advice, it would be to urge myself not to waste so much energy worrying and getting upset about people that, ultimately, were categorically not worth the stress and tears!